🌟 When the world feels too heavy and impossible, there is One who knows our burdens and wants to bear them.
🌟 When our daughter died at 18 weeks gestation, so much changed about our family. We were now a family with a daughter and sibling in heaven. We were faced with many awkward questions about how many kids we have and how it feels to only have one girl. (We are blessed with one living daughter and 4 living sons) Jokes about being outnumbered and feeling sorry for our living daughter for being the only girl. It goes on and on.
🌟But, the one constant was and is Jesus. Were we angry with the Lord? Yes. Did we question Him? Yes. Where was He when He was supposed to be “knitting Mary-Linda together” in her mother’s womb? We serve a Big God and He can not only handle our anger, questions and pain, but He wants to bear it for us.
🌟Remember that today and always. When things seem dark, know that the light is near. Hold tight. You are loved.
Our lives and my birthday changed forever in 2017. In 2017, I was the happiest I had ever been in my 40 years on earth. I wasn’t the least bit upset to be turning forty. I was pregnant with our second daughter and fifth child. Life for us was in the highest of highs.
The following month, at my 18 week appointment I learned that our daughter had unexpectedly suffered a fetal maternal hemorrhage and her heart had stopped beating. We would go on to deliver her and hold her and deeply grieve and be changed F O R E V E R.
I’ve heard people make comments and say “she should be over it.” “At least she has living children.” “She didn’t even know that baby.” And there are people who are so uncomfortable with me sharing about our walk through grief that they question my mental health. Do you really think that I share everything on social media? No. No, I don’t. But, by me sharing my heart and my experience, I have helped a lot of women who have lost their babies in pregnancy through miscarriage and stillbirth and others who have experienced early infant loss. And, by God’s Grace we have a safe space for all, no matter where you may be in your grief journey, your fertility or infertility journey or your mental health condition. This is and always will be a safe space for you. I am here to listen, to share and to be there for other mommas and hopeful mommas.
That brings me to this year. This year, I am turning 44. There is a different level of joy from my 40th birthday, as we have waded the depths of grief and celebrated on the highest mountain tops since that day. One of our greatest joys came in May of 2019, when God blessed us earth side with our son, Jimmie.
This year, at my birthday dinner, Jimmie was so much fun. He’s learning to keep his cup down when he is drinking from a straw. And in between sips and telling me how he’s supposed to hold his cup, he would remind me of why we were at dinner, sweetly saying “happy birthday, momma.”
I cried. Our lives look so different than what we would have anticipated them looking like just four years ago. We’ve experienced the loss of our daughter, who would be 3 years old right now. We’ve experienced the joy of having our precious Jimmie (age 2). Expecting him, being together for his birth and being home together for much of his first year and second year of life. We are incredibly blessed and thankful. Our big Els wanted to know why I was crying and Moustapha said this “God didn’t have to give us Jimmie.”
That is so true. Jimmie doesn’t replace our baby who died. But, we know we would be in a very different place right now, if we were still waiting on baby Jimmie. Thankfully, God made a way where we did not see the way. It was not easy and we are incredibly thankful.
My birthday will always be a reminder that we are missing Mary-Linda and that we are blessed with our Jimmie, Leeland, Trinity, Maddux and Bakri. A reminder that we are not promised tomorrow and to be grateful for our blessings today.
Starting this with a trigger warning. This post will mention loss. So, click past it, if you do not want to read about miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss.
After we experienced an unexpected 2nd trimester loss, I wanted (so much) to learn from the experiences of others. Particularly, had anyone experienced a loss like mine? Had anyone gotten pregnant immediately after? Did it take a while? What interventions did they use, if any, when they got their BFP?
I’ve just uploaded a video to my YouTube channel which covers all of these questions and answers and so much more. Like, a lot more. I’m really just talking to you like you are my friend and I’m sharing all the details.
A couple of things to note:
When we conceived Baby Jimmie I was taking one baby aspirin a day and a prenatal vitamin with folate (not folic acid). I took 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 5-9 at bedtime. I had a blazing positive on an Ovulation Internet Cheapie test on Cycle day 14 and 15. Ovulated on day 15 according to my Basal Body Temp Click here for my thermometer on Amazon. and had a BFP at 9 DPO(days past ovulation). I also ate a few bites of pineapple core (CORE ONLY!!) on 2,3,4 & 5 DPO.
Please subscribe to my elmomma blog and YouTube channel and leave a comment. Do you need prayer? I would be honored to pray for you.
Rebekah Aka El Momma
PS I share never before seen photos from Jimmie’s labor and after birth in the Youtube video I just uploaded.