Happy birthday to Me (trigger warning)

Our lives and my birthday changed forever in 2017. In 2017, I was the happiest I had ever been in my 40 years on earth. I wasn’t the least bit upset to be turning forty. I was pregnant with our second daughter and fifth child. Life for us was in the highest of highs.

My 40th birthday, our first home Dec 2004-July 2019

The following month, at my 18 week appointment I learned that our daughter had unexpectedly suffered a fetal maternal hemorrhage and her heart had stopped beating. We would go on to deliver her and hold her and deeply grieve and be changed F O R E V E R.

I’ve heard people make comments and say “she should be over it.” “At least she has living children.” “She didn’t even know that baby.” And there are people who are so uncomfortable with me sharing about our walk through grief that they question my mental health. Do you really think that I share everything on social media? No. No, I don’t. But, by me sharing my heart and my experience, I have helped a lot of women who have lost their babies in pregnancy through miscarriage and stillbirth and others who have experienced early infant loss. And, by God’s Grace we have a safe space for all, no matter where you may be in your grief journey, your fertility or infertility journey or your mental health condition. This is and always will be a safe space for you. I am here to listen, to share and to be there for other mommas and hopeful mommas.

That brings me to this year. This year, I am turning 44. There is a different level of joy from my 40th birthday, as we have waded the depths of grief and celebrated on the highest mountain tops since that day. One of our greatest joys came in May of 2019, when God blessed us earth side with our son, Jimmie.

This year, at my birthday dinner, Jimmie was so much fun. He’s learning to keep his cup down when he is drinking from a straw. And in between sips and telling me how he’s supposed to hold his cup, he would remind me of why we were at dinner, sweetly saying “happy birthday, momma.”

44TH birthday dinner at The Gristmill

I cried. Our lives look so different than what we would have anticipated them looking like just four years ago. We’ve experienced the loss of our daughter, who would be 3 years old right now. We’ve experienced the joy of having our precious Jimmie (age 2). Expecting him, being together for his birth and being home together for much of his first year and second year of life. We are incredibly blessed and thankful. Our big Els wanted to know why I was crying and Moustapha said this “God didn’t have to give us Jimmie.”

That is so true. Jimmie doesn’t replace our baby who died. But, we know we would be in a very different place right now, if we were still waiting on baby Jimmie. Thankfully, God made a way where we did not see the way. It was not easy and we are incredibly thankful.

My birthday will always be a reminder that we are missing Mary-Linda and that we are blessed with our Jimmie, Leeland, Trinity, Maddux and Bakri. A reminder that we are not promised tomorrow and to be grateful for our blessings today.

July is Bereaved Parents Awareness month.

My First Tooth

I am 10 months and 1 week old. Today was a big day for me, because I cut my first tooth. Yippee! I am looking forward to all of the wonderful food I will soon be able to enjoy…after getting a few more teeth, of course. But, for now, I will enjoy my one bottom tooth and my momma will update with a new photo once it comes through a bit more! Until then, I will keep smiling and making everyone around me happy.

love,
Leeland

It’s still hard to believe how it flies

Time. Isn’t it the craziest thing? Sometimes it seems to move so slowly, when we’re waiting for a big event. But, most of the time, it flies by so quickly that it’s gone before we know it. It’s hard for me to believe that my little baby Bakri, will be six years old tomorrow. Six years!? That’s amazing. In six more years he’ll be 12! That’s seems so far away! But, I know, if history repeats itself, the next six years will fly by even faster than the last six. And, before I know it, my baby boy will be in high school. Happy birthday to our big six year old boy, Bakri. May we celebrate in ways that stay with you always and remind you constantly of how much you are enjoyed and loved.

I think July 15 is the DAY!!!

I’ve been up since 1am with more painful and regular contractions. I took a shower and they are still coming.
Perhaps it was one of the many labor inducing activities I tried today. Maybe all I needed was to fall asleep in my own bedroom. Or, maybe today was going to be the day regardless. Either way, I’m nervous and
excited that this could be the day.

I’m going to try and rest more now. And, I will update soon.

39 weeks and 6 days

Tomorrow is our “due date!” I can’t believe we’re this close to meeting our newest little family member.

Did you know that fewer than 5% of babies are born on their due date? So, the odds are, we are not having a baby tomorrow. But, who knows? I have a tendency to try and go against the odds at times.

I’m feeling really well currently. I still have contractions a lot, but nothing REALLY painful has started yet. Trinity was born 3 days after her due date. I took the week off from yoga this week, because I really didn’t want to have the baby until I could come home to my new bedroom from the hospital. The painters finished today. So, I think I am in the clear to deliver and go home after! If I haven’t had him by Monday, I’ll resume my regular exercise routine (yoga 2-3 times a week) and running after small children. So, maybe that will convince him to come out and see us!

Me, our 21 month old daughter Trinity and Baby El4 at 39 weeks, 4 days

39 weeks and counting

Well, things are moving along here. I’m still pregnant and feeling pretty good. I had a rough day on Friday night and Saturday. I had so many contractions and I just couldn’t sleep at all. The hardest part is wondering if it’s going to increase and I’m going to meet my sweet baby boy soon or if it’s just more of the same. So far, it’s just more of the same. My parents took the boys for the weekend. And, after having no sleep, it was so nice to be able to rest most of the day yesterday. The boys had fun too. Grandmother took them to the mall to ride the carousel, play on the indoor playground, and they rode the water-taxi. They were so excited to tell me about it. I’m happy that they can go together now, but I miss them terribly.

I have lots planned this week. And, we’ll see how that works out. I know God has His own plan, so we’ll see how mine holds up. I have youth band rehearsal one evening, worship band rehearsal another evening and I’m leading Sunday morning worship at Church on Sunday. I also have an appointment with the Midwives Practice and this Saturday is my due date. I can’t believe it is actually here. I was 3 days past with Trinity. Hopefully we won’t go much longer with this little guy. At least I hope we don’t go more than 41 weeks.

Maddux took this photo of me….I think it is actually artistic… 🙂

37 weeks and counting

Here I am…37 weeks and 3 days preggers. No, I’m not discouraged and no, I’m not tired of being pregnant. I am tired. That is definitely true. But, I’m happy. Everything has gone really well. And, the baby seems to be growing well and moving all the time. He’s a busy guy. He will surely fit right in around here.

So, we are just gearing up for his arrival. I may have mentioned my room is finally being remodeled. Unfortunately, the first crew we hired didn’t finish the job. That happened yesterday. But, at least we are closer to being finished and moved in. We now need a carpenter to finish the carpentry work in the room and a painter (who still has to finish sanding the newly sheetrocked walls) to paint the room. I’m trying not to be anxious about this. But, believe me when my contractions come each night at regular intervals, I begin to worry that my room is not going to be complete for me and the baby to come home to after our hospital stay. Please pray that it will be. I could really use the peace of knowing it is done. I know it is going to be beautiful, I just don’t want it to be complete after the baby arrives.

Love to all of you who are checking in with us. We will keep you posted on the arrival of Baby EL4….he’ll be here soon!

Our Newest Baby El

Well, the day is finally here. We went to the midwives yesterday and had our ultrasound. From what they could see, everything looked great. I’m going to have a follow-up ultrasound in 4 weeks so they can hopefully get a better look at our baby’s heart and face. The baby’s profile was clear and cute. However, all of the attempts to see the front of the baby’s face were covered by the baby’s hands. They did see the four chambers of the heart and a strong heartbeat. So, hopefully all is ok. We had to have a follow-up ultrasound when we were expecting Maddux. So, I know that I shouldn’t worry. But, it’s hard not to. I’ll update again when we are going back for the ultrasound and will definitely appreciate prayers.

So, as for the exciting news…WHO ARE WE EXPECTING?????

Let’s let the Els tell you…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S-AangcevQ