How I imagine You

El Momma, big Sis Trinity and baby Mary-Linda

It’s always been hard for me to imagine how my babies will look and who they will look like, when I am pregnant. It was the same when we were expecting our second daughter in the summer of 2017. I knew she would look like an El. But, would her eyes be hazel like mine and Bakri’s? Would her hair be curly like Maddux and Leeland? Would she have olive skin like Trinity and Leeland? Or would her eyes be blue and her hair be blonde like Maddux?

When she died at 18 weeks gestation, I held her tiny little body in my arms. I remember that day so vividly. I never ever wanted to let her go and yet, I knew that her little body would not keep. And, I could not hold her like this forever. As the days passed, I would imagine her. I would have day dreams of her in heaven. I could see her. I could touch her. She wasn’t a baby at all. In my mind she was a little girl. She was three.

She was the age she would be now, had she not had an undetected fetal maternal when I was 4.5 months pregnant with her. She would have a sweet nature, because, well the Els all have sweet natures as babies. 💗 She would have had a distinct way of speaking. They all do. Each one had their own special way. She is so loved. I wish I knew more of her. But, I know there is someday. And, we are one day closer to that day.

Mary-Linda’s expected due date in 2018

Such a beautiful name…

Warning. This post discusses loss. 

We had a list of possible names for our baby daughter. Fifty or more different combinations. We knew we wanted to give her a name that paid homage to both our mothers’.

I remember a day a couple of months ago. My husband texted me one name idea. I replied back with my very large list (which I started working on right after finding out we were pregnant). The list was full of girl names. So many names. All of which connected with our mothers. He replied to my text with:
“Goodness me. This is going to be more difficult that I initially thought.”

We thought we had time to know for sure. The kids would often tell us of their name ideas.

Here are just a few:
Caroline
Evelyn
Oreo

We told them, “God knows her name and when we need to know we will know.”

On August 15th, 2017 we knew. I remember laying there in the hospital bed, in labor with our daughter and I just knew.

Mary-Linda Elizabeth

Just say it and it sounds so beautiful. So meant to be. Our precious baby.

We named her “Mary” for my husband’s mother. Mary means “wished-for child.” She is our wished-for child in every way.

We named her “Linda” for my mother. Linda means “beautiful.” She is beautiful and perfect in every way.

We named her “Elizabeth” because Elizabeth means oath or promise of God. We hold tight to God’s promises. Especially that He never leaves us or forsakes us. Knowing I was giving birth to our daughter who was already in heaven was only something I could go through knowing I was not going through it alone. The Lord was with us. His presence was felt and known in so many ways in that hospital bed.

I often think back to that experience- the worst of my life. But, I can’t help but remember so much peace in the deep heartache and suffering. That’s only possible through God. There really is no other explanation.

We love you forever, our baby daughter in heaven, Mary-Linda Elizabeth. 

If Grief comes in Stages…I am still very near the beginning

Warning. This post discusses loss. 

Today has been all about guilt and regret.

Over the last couple of days, I have begun to have memories. Memories of times just a few short weeks ago when I was worried. I remember wondering if my baby’s heart rate had slowed. Was it too slow? Was something wrong? I googled “Normal fetal heart rate” and found that my daughter’s heart rate was in the normal range for her gestational age. But, I remember worrying. I let it go, but I worried. When was this?

I took the time to look at my search history today. I guess so I could regret even more. I found that I did the search twice. I searched on Tuesday, August 8th…when my daughter was still developing and alive. And, I searched again on Monday, August 14th…when my daughter’s heart had already stopped beating and I didn’t know it.

I regret googling on Tuesday, August 8th and stopping there.

I regret not calling my doctor and going in for a checkup that week. I don’t know if they would have caught what was happening with my daughter then, but I could have given her a chance. I am not a big worrier. I walk around with a lot of “peace that passes all understanding.” I thank God for that. But, right now, I can’t shake this regret. Not now. I wish I would have given my baby girl every opportunity to live. I can’t tell you that the outcome would have been different.

Chances are, I would find something else to regret, if I would have gone in to the doctor’s office that week.

But, for now. I regret.

I regret that my baby is in heaven and not growing inside her mommy.

I regret that I am sitting in the rocker that we were given 13 years ago to rock all of our babies.

I regret that I didn’t sit down in this rocker once while my Mary-Linda was still with me.

I regret that I didn’t take my children in to see the 13 week ultrasound when Mary-Linda was dancing.

I regret that I didn’t live every moment of this pregnancy like it could end.

I’ve read that it’s good to go through every stage of grief. That it’s good to feel all the feels. The bad and the bad and even the good. I guess what I am doing is “good.” And, I’m talking about it here, because I planned to talk more about my experiences as my baby daughter was growing. I didn’t think it would end up like this. This wasn’t the plan. But, I am still talking, because, as I have sadly learned, we are not alone in this. Many of my dear friends have experienced this and come out the other side. I feel very alone and I feel so much better when I am with someone who listens or shares or just sits with me. I know there is hope for me. Hope for us. We have this beautiful, lovely family full of kids that are home with me because of Hurricane Harvey and who frankly are driving me nuts.

But, this timing must be perfect, because it’s the timing that it is. I can’t change it. And, no matter how much regret covers me, I can’t change that my baby daughter is in heaven. So, for now, I’m super sad.

Meanwhile, I shared a song at her memorial service, which we had for the 6 of us with our pastor at Church of the Apostles Houston just before Harvey made land fall. I recorded it in my living room, after the storm, as a song of hope. You can tell I am in a state of shock still, because I recorded it with no makeup on and didn’t care one bit. One day I will probably laugh about that and regret it too! But, for now, that is not one of my regrets.

In case you didn’t see it and would like a song of hope in your storm. Here it is.

Save Me, Oh God by Rebekah Maddux El-Hakam

Heartbroken

18 
Warning. This post discusses loss. 


Psalm 34:1, 18
His praise shall continually be in my mouth. I will bless the Lord at all times;
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted


This is the hardest post I’ve ever written.
And, by far, the most difficult time of my life.

On Tuesday morning, at a little over 17 weeks gestation, we found out that our baby girl’s heart had stopped beating.

We are devastated. Completely devastated.

Monday night, as I settled into my place in bed, I reached for the home fetal Doppler monitor so that I could listen to our daughter’s heartbeat. It was a normal routine for me. I had done this same thing many times this since she was 10 weeks along. Even at that age, I could find her heartbeat. This night was different. Things didn’t sound right. I didn’t panic. Mainly because I heard something (turned out to be my own pulse or the placenta beating). And I knew my regular appointment was the next day. I thought my monitor wasn’t working correctly. I really didn’t hold on to the thought that her heart could have stopped beating.

I decided to sleep in and not work out before my appointment, just in case she was in distress.

I went to my appointment alone. As I mentioned to the nurse that I wasn’t noticing her flutters as I had earlier in my pregnancy.  She said she would let the midwife know. When they went to find her heartbeat, my heart began to race uncontrollably. It sounded just like the night before. It didn’t sound right. She acted as though it was no big deal and I’d “won myself an ultrasound today.” I lay there still, as the reality began to sink in. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed and prayed and prayed. The ultrasound showed my biggest fear. My beautiful baby girl, still and with no heart beat. The midwife turned to me and quietly said what I feared most. “Rebekah, I’m so sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”
Dear God. Please, no. She said she would go get a professional sonographer to be sure. I remained laying down on the table as one person stayed with me in the room for a while. I wanted her to leave. I wanted to be alone so I could pray out loud. So I could cry out to God for a miracle. She asked me if I wanted to sit up. I said no. I wanted to stay there. She offered to go see what was taking so long and I asked her to please do that.

As I lay there alone in the room, I continued to ask the Lord for a miracle. “God, please restore our baby girl. If there is any way, let her heartbeat be strong. Please God, I know you are the God who heals. We need a miracle.”
The next sonogram confirmed the worst news of my life. Our child. Our fifth baby el. Our precious baby girl’s heart was no longer beating.

Moustapha had worried with me the night before. We both love all of our children so much. I needed him. I called him. Through the tears, I said his name “Moustapha.” He cried out “No!” Without saying anything else, he knew.

This is all I can share about that for now. 

Wednesday morning, I delivered our baby girl and held her in my arms way too soon. She is beautiful. She brought our family so much joy in the weeks leading up to this day. Our family now feels a deep sadness and a huge hole in our hearts. 

But, our hope remains in Christ. We know that God loves us all and that our daughter is in God’s arms. We are heartbroken. Please keep our entire family in your prayers.

Mary-Linda Elizabeth El-Hakam
We will love and cherish our time with you always. 
Love you forever. – Momma and Daddy

HAPPY THIRD BIRTHDAY, BABY!

Happy Birthday, Trinity!
I know I’ve said it many times before, but time really does fly.
Today, our baby girl, our one girl in the midst of 3 boys turns three! She is amazing. I know, I’m her momma and I am supposed to think that. But, it’s true. She is.
From the moment she entered this world, she has been lighting it up, bright! Oh so, bright. She shines. She really does.
I’m thankful for her. I’m thankful for the way she wakes when hearing just the slightest little sound. For the fact that I can convince her to do almost anything if I’ll promise to paint her nails, pink and purple, of course. For her smile. For her love of life and the way she connects with people her age and mine. For the conversations she starts and finishes. For the questions she asks. For her amazing mind. Her understanding of relationships and caring about how we are all connected. I am thankful for my daughter, my sweet little girl. My Trinity. Happy birthday, Baby Girl!
The birth of Trinity was one of the most profound and amazing experiences of my entire life. To read about my birth experience with Trinity, click here:

The Birth story of Trinity

Two and 1/2 Year Old Trinity Tells the Story of Trinity the Pig and the Big Bad Wolf

Trinity will be three in late September. She is our only girl and I can’t even begin to describe how this little girl lights up our family. She is amazing. She’s extremely verbose and observant. She is loving and cares for her babydolls like they are real and very much her responsibility.  Yesterday she told me the story of Trinity the Pig and the Big Bad Wolf. Here it is on youtube. Enjoy!

Our Newest Baby El

Well, the day is finally here. We went to the midwives yesterday and had our ultrasound. From what they could see, everything looked great. I’m going to have a follow-up ultrasound in 4 weeks so they can hopefully get a better look at our baby’s heart and face. The baby’s profile was clear and cute. However, all of the attempts to see the front of the baby’s face were covered by the baby’s hands. They did see the four chambers of the heart and a strong heartbeat. So, hopefully all is ok. We had to have a follow-up ultrasound when we were expecting Maddux. So, I know that I shouldn’t worry. But, it’s hard not to. I’ll update again when we are going back for the ultrasound and will definitely appreciate prayers.

So, as for the exciting news…WHO ARE WE EXPECTING?????

Let’s let the Els tell you…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1S-AangcevQ

Trinity is learning to Walk soon she’ll be learning to fly!

Our baby is…..walking??? Yes, it’s true. Here’s the story of the first steps (more than two):Here is a picture of Trinity standing in the church nursery. Trinity went to the church nursery- early yesterday morning. I was leading the worship, so Ms. Melody came early to take care of Trinity during our early morning sound check. My parents also joined us for church. When I saw my parents they were beaming with joy. “Did you see Trinity?” “We were in shock,” they said. Huh??? They said they saw Trinity “walking” in the nursery. She just took her first steps in the church nursery and I didn’t see it!? AAAAHHHH! Grab the camera and run across the hall. And…. no walking. As soon as she sees me, she’s on all fours making her way as quickly as she can to get to me. So, although there were plenty of witnesses, I had still not seen our daughter “walking.”

But, I did feel comfortable enough with the witnesses, to talk about it during church. Trinity even got some applause!

Later, we took the boys swimming and went to visit Moustapha’s parents. Here is video of Miss Trinity in action. It’s official- she is walking. Click on the video to see her take five steps. Wow!

This morning, Princess T is still sleeping soundly. I think the excitement of yesterday absolutely wore her out!