How to respond: When you’re not sure what the “right thing” is

Today was a weird day. It started out fairly normal, at least normal for us. Our five year old was too tired to get up and ended up being late to school. Our oldest was up past 3am doing who knows what on his computer, making it nearly impossible for him to be ready for school on time. (8am classes are no joke) I took the youngest to school, walked him in and helped him fill out the tardy slip. I headed back home to pick up the college kid, called him and waited out front. I also needed my makeup bag from my daughter. She borrowed it the night before and didn’t return it. When I leave this early, I can’t come back home before work. After five minutes, I called the college kid again. He finally made his way outside, with no makeup bag in hand. I called my daughter and she said she would bring it outside. Instead, I headed in the house and found that she hadn’t brought the bag downstairs yet. I mumbled something about my oldest being late to school again as she handed me the bag, promising me that everything was in it. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t)

Sleepy Jimmie

So, pretty much we were late everywhere with the exception of me. I was not late to work, thankfully. I had time to stop and grab breakfast after dropping off the college kid at school. Once I arrived at work, I began to work through my usual “to do” list. Pretty normal stuff:

1. check work email
2. return emails
3. add any meetings to calendar
4. prepare for today’s meetings
5. draft next Sunday’s liturgy for 2 services
6. send a complicated text

Okay, so with that last one, I knew I was going to send this text yesterday. However, I purposefully waited until this morning, because I wanted to make sure that the recipient was not around their children. Sometimes it’s good to consider what head-space someone may be in or at least what physical space they are in when sending a text. Well, I sort of failed this test. First off, I thought I was doing the right thing. I asked my child that this pertained to. I asked my husband. I asked chatgpt and all of the conclusions were the same. It was a message I sent in kindness and without judgement. That’s really all I could do.

Giving grace can be hard sometimes, but it’s usually the right thing to do.

What I received back didn’t feel kind or receptive. Had I misread the situation? Although I admire the person who I texted today, it didn’t feel good to receive their messages in reply to mine. I refrained from being judgmental. I was called “tacky” when I sincerely tried not to be tacky. I don’t think I was. But, even in that moment, I didn’t call out any behavior or shame anyone. I simply said that I understood how they felt and further explained myself without the expectation that they would understand.

They did respond back with more understanding and grace. I think it will be left at that. At least I hope so.

So, what do you do when someone thinks you’ve made a parenting mistake and calls you out on it?

• First of all, try to listen. Without thinking about your response, listen to what the person is saying. Maybe they are totally off base or maybe they are spot on or maybe it’s somewhere in between. Best to listen and take it in first.
• Be thoughtful in your response. As long as you feel safe interacting with them further, it’s okay to do so. Try not to argue. In my situation, I let the other person know that I heard them and understood where they were coming from.
• Say what you need to without being defensive. This is a little tricky, especially if you feel hurt by their comments. I’ve cried all morning and not because of this directly, but because my grief and trauma cup are very full at the moment. So, just one drop and I am spilling grief everywhere. I did touch on what I am dealing with personally without getting into it.

In conclusion, when we feel judged, it’s because we either did something wrong or we feel misunderstood. In this instance, I felt misunderstood, but I tried not to react from a place of pain. Reacting out of pain tends to cause more pain. Remember that most parents are doing their best. Are we going to get it right all of the time? No. But, we keep trying and know that we only know what we know. We don’t know what it’s like to be in someone else’s home, life, family situation, etc. Giving grace can be hard sometimes, but it’s usually the right thing to do.