Doing the best we can…and getting through…

Holidays. Experienced without a growing child that was supposed to be still growing in my uterus, due anytime after Christmas.

Holidays. Not looking forward to what her first holidays will be like. Instead, these are our first holidays with our Mary-Linda. Except, she’s not with us. She’s in heaven. And, our hopes and dreams for her future with us, no longer exist. They will forever live in that place of dreams and hopes that can never BE on this earth.

Thanksgiving was good. My cousin graciously hosted my side of the family, as she always does. I have absolutely no responsibilities on thanksgiving with my side of the family or my husbands. I am thankful for that. My only job was to show up.

I only had one breakdown at my cousin’s house and none at my sister-in-law’s house. That’s not saying it’s bad to have more breakdowns. Whatever we experience is what we experience and that needs to be okay. It’s so hard to control when a wave of sadness hits. So, don’t try. But, I do believe thinking through moments and lowering my expectations helped. I was nervous about seeing everyone on my side of the family who I hadn’t seen since Mary-Linda died. Talking to my cousin on the phone before Thanksgiving helped so much. It removed that “first time we’ve talked” element from the equation. And, that was super helpful.

My sister-in-law altered the tradition of going around the table and everyone listing off what they were thankful for this year. She, instead, asked a representative from each family to give a list of family thanksgivings. That was perfect. I could just sit and listen.

At the end of the day, as I was happily tucking myself into bed next to my dear husband, I began to laugh hysterically. And that laughter turned to deep, loud, weeping, ugly crying. I think it was just all the emotions built up from the day, coming out in crazy, awesome ways. I got through it. With the help of my husband who doesn’t judge me as I grieve, and I don’t judge him.

Now, with Christmas around the corner and as we are in the season of Advent- waiting. We wait and create new memories and traditions to honor our Mary-Linda.

My dear friend, Holly sent this beautiful silver angel ornament with Mary-Linda’s initials engraved. It was the first ornament we put on the tree this year.

A few weeks ago, we were shopping and I spotted this beautiful angel topper. We’ve never had an angel on top of our tree. This seemed like a perfect way to honor our Mary-Linda for years to come.

In the coming days, we will place this angel on top of our tree. In honor of our Mary-Linda Elizabeth, who is now in heaven.

I don’t know how we will get through Christmas, as Mary-Linda’s due date draws near. Pregnancies have such a wide range of safe delivery- a 5 week range that doesn’t even include earlier than 37 weeks gestation that can also result in healthy babies. So, I don’t know that we will do anything on her actual due date. I’m thinking we might want to do something to start the new year. I can’t say that I will be sad to see 2017 go…it hasn’t been the best of years. Hoping for a much better 2018.

No matter what, our hope remains in Jesus. We await His second coming and we anticipate being with Him and reunited with our loved ones in Heaven one day. And, I look forward to holding my Mary-Linda in heaven one day. I imagine she’ll do cart wheels as she runs to greet me and she’ll joyously leap into my arms. It will be the biggest hug ever.

We wish you a wonderful Advent season and a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

love,
El Momma