TW: loss
We went through a miscarriage at 8.5 weeks gestation that began the first week back to school. I ended up miscarrying at home on August 29, which was also the day that we planned to tour Jimmie’s school that he began attending this week.
A little backstory
We had recently told all of the Els that we were expecting. I was already showing and the older kids were figuring it out. Jimmie would kiss my belly at bedtime and remind me there was a baby in there. I tell you this, as a reminder that little kids are intuitive. They are watching us and figuring out how they feel. After we lost the baby, Jimmie would tell me that the baby is with God. He would react so kindly when I would cry and he would offer me comfort.
However sweet and beautiful all of that is, I was not expecting the loss of this baby to have such a profound impact on Jimmie. He became more dependent on us. He would refuse to go in to childcare at church. As we were looking for a program for him, he had some assessments. He was actually rejected from one program that refused to tell us why. I can only guess it was that he was nervous and wanted me to be in the adjoining room- which the tester said was fine. I think that was the reason they rejected him for their 3 year old program. After an assessment for another school, we received feedback. They stated that they were concerned about his separation anxiety and wanting to be assessed where he could see his mom.
I have mixed feelings about this. Especially now that I’ve seen how well Jimmie did his first week of school (more about that in a moment) If we are assessing children who have essentially never been in a school program on whether or not they feel comfortable going into a room with a stranger, I would hope that there is some grace there. Why wouldn’t a three year old be uncomfortable in that setting? I would argue that his feelings of concern in that situation are totally normal.
Through the next two months, Jimmie became more attached to both of his parents. We enjoyed this precious time so much. But, as they say “all good things must come to an end.” Jimmie needed to go to school. I reached out to our top choice preschool and the director immediately responded that there was a spot for Jimmie. I asked if I could bring him by before he was set to begin. We set up a time on Halloween. Jimmie met his classmates, enjoyed a Halloween snack and held my hand the entire time.
The next morning was rough, especially for me. When I dropped Jimmie off with his teacher and classmates, he cried “mommy, don’t leave me” over and over again. I gave him a kiss and promised him I would be back later and I walked away. This was very difficult. Fortunately, I received a note from the school a few minutes later letting me know Jimmie had stopped crying and was playing well.
When I picked him up that afternoon, he told me of his day and seemed to really love his time at school. He told me he wasn’t going to cry the next day. But, as I mentioned, we had two days of the screaming and crying “mommy, don’t leave me” before no more tears. By day three, he turned to me at drop off and said “give me a kiss, mommy” and quickly said goodbye. I couldn’t believe how quickly and how well he transitioned into the routine of school. We are so proud of him. The resilience of kids still amazes me!
We love you, Jimmie. We are thankful for your school and love watching you grow! Love, your “sweet sweet mommy” and dad
